how do i stop my daugther becoming a man!!!

[Beff87]

Hiya.. I have only just joined the site but have always watched the show this particalar episode made me want to make a comment and voice an opinion for Ben (Becky) . My friend Joe Is In the Same poistion as Ben She has been like it all of her life and her Mother and father didnt understand her, Joe has dealt with the fact that she'll never have a sex change and she is 27 now every 1 in the area is well aware that she is a women and Joe continue's to dress like a boy, Ben reminds me so much of Joe,My heart goes out to Ben I can see jus be watching that this is how she is and her parents should jus respeact that. Joe Came out when she was 18 and she tells me she new from a very young age and would never go back, i couldnt ever imagen Joe as a girl now i see her as a boy and so does every 1 else, i have to remind myself sometims that she is, Please just wanted to tell Ben Not to be scared go out and enjoy your life don' be paranode, It will be hard becoz your still young bot it will get better don't hide away!!!!!!

[arlow]

Hi jeremy, i watched the show this morning and you had a young lad ben on your show with his parents and my heart went out to him and his family and my reasion to reply to this is i myself was born a girl and i fully understand how ben is feeling and also his parents. i myself is married to a woman and have been married since 2005 and we have 3 great children.before i met my wife i knew i was born in the wrong body i was aware of this from the age of 5, my mother put it down to me being a tom boy but at that age she could dress to to how she choose to but when i reached the age 9 where i could have a voice  and a sence of identity i the stated to be my self  its kind of like your brain is pre programed ill try to explain as i got older things got harder however i had a good circule of friends but i was clearly diffrent to all my female friends, were they liked  meting up with other girls sharing make up tips i was out with the boys playing footie and hang out at the local boxing club however i craved female attention just like the other lads well i never looked like a girl or ever acted like one and i was just as strong or even stronger then some of them come to think about it,  but as my age creeped on and i reached puberty this got even harder because all my mates started to get face hair and there voice broke and mine stayed the same and i had to endour  pmt which for some one to be in the wrong body is awlfull  and it was time to say something when i spoke to my mum my mum basicly told me i was not posable to change gender and and even off i were id lose my family and i only had my mum as im from a one parent family so i tryed to hide who i realy was and it slowly ate me up inside, and i met a guy when i was just 14 we started off as just mates and i realy thought he thought as me as one the lads and when he made a pass at me i actualy spun round in shock a i said what a u gay of somthing he laughed and told me to get to reality and  admit i was a girl and it mad me so upset inside but i tryed to do what evey one else expected, i stated a relashionship with him just befor i was 16 and it was just horrendours i did feel gay being with him and my masculin ways made him violent towards me he beat me daily by this time we had a child and it was even harder to stop the relationship, i felt id be co hurst into this volentile sitution and if id of been given the help to change my body to match my brain i would of never of been in that position. the relationship lead me into a dark place and for not being able to be myself i was left feeling sucidal and i cut my wrists and i had a nervous brake down i was in hospitial for nealy 8 mths. i came out of hospitial a stronger person and i stated to be and live in the way i choose to i went back to work as a bouncer at weekends and a security officer in the week and then i met nadia ,like ben said on tv today he dose not feel gay  i understood that as i never felt gay i felt so natural to be with her we clicked from day one she loved my manley ways like my kickboxing and my protective side etc and by this time i was in the part time army.  i didnt have to hide  when i was around her i felt grate but if i was to want to be with her i had to come out to the outside world as gay so  thats what i did even thought i new deep down i was a man and i was still lieing to myself. to be honest coming out as gay did take abit of the weight of my shoulders because people in time adgusted to me being with a woman me and nadia got married a year after we met and it was then i confided to her in my secreat life i told her i wanted to become a man at first she didnt understand as we as a couple were happy the children were happy way change any think she thought but i explaind i could no longer live a lie and i had to do this for myself i put eveything on the line as nadia is 100% gay  i could loose my sole mate  my partner and my best friend all in one, but nadia has stood by me and so has our children  my mother on the other hand dose not excecpet it . i hope one day she will understand and excecpet me for who i am.ive been on testostrone injections for a year now and i cant waite for sugery my voice is braking now im starting to get a faint growth of facial hair and my gentials have stated to inlarge its even harder to be in the middile as your traninstioning because your a man still in a womans body like having to hide breasts and you now have the deep voice etc silly things i cant waite to do is like take the kids swimming because people stare even if you where a t shirt in the water  thay look strate at the chest its like your a man with boobs its embarasing i hope to go for chest surgery by next summer my doctors say im ready for this i had to under go 2 years of therpy and i have to live in the male role for a year as i was do that allready any way i had to change my name and title legally befor i was given testostrone so to the out side world i am a man allready and nobody questions it,some time people think im younger then what i am and some time i get asked for id to prove my age. it was strange at first going into male public toilets as befor i hold on or if despate id use the disabled ones  all my douments i hold are in mr even my driving lience. so as soon as i get my chest done the better i can start living life to the full and start to like what i see in the mirror. so i hope ben dose get to be happy and i hope his mum and dad stand by him he needs all the support he can get yes hes young  but if his parents are worried about this being a phase he can be given hormone blockers to stop his female puberty as a girl so if he were to change his mind it would have no effects on him. but if he were to take testostrone the changes are not revisable like the deep voice facial hair and inlarged gentials etc but only ben knows hows hes feeling. and maybe it might be good for him to talk to some one thats going though the same thing and his perents to i will inclose my phone number  as id be more then happy to help id be happy to listen to him and his parents there is also a group in london called ftm and they meet up as a group ben can get hold of them on facebook or at his gender identity hospital. im also a member of this group ben and his family can also chat to me on facebook look for arlow souissi  and my phone number is 07837498119 i dont know if your allowed to pass my number on to him and his family but if you can id be more then happy to help jeremy in any way i can.  All the best for the future ben.

arlow

[pinknic]

Having watched the show on Tuesday I couldn't help but notice the fact that the focus initially was very much on how 'hard it was for the parents' and 'we need to think how the parents are feeling' and 'we must really feel for the parents' etc etc..... but the main issue here wasn't being addressed properly I don't think. Ben (becky) who was on the show was clearly very emotional and upset about her gender issues. I feel that Jeremy didn't give her enough support while he was on stage, I feel he sided more with the parents and failed to try and make the parents see where Ben was coming from. The parents (mainly the father) wanted Ben to live his life as girl or 'give it a go'.... but he has already done that for the past 17 years and obviously can't take it anymore, word on word quote!! That to me is the loudest cry for help and desperation I could think of.... "I can't do it anymore, I can't live like this". No-one should be made to live a life they don't want... life is about choices and making decisions and Ben shouldn't live his life to please other people, fair enough his parents had expections when he was born a girl but people change, life changes along with society and in this day and age I think people need to get with it and try and understand and listen to how the person is feeling. The point was also made that the parents weren't sure Ben was old enough to make this kind of decision even though everything he said was sensible, well thought out and came from the heart and was emotional to say the least. So..... in reality Ben can have sex, have a baby, get married and drive... but can't make the decision or be believed by people when he says he knows the life he has right now isn't for him. I can't imagine what he has been through to get there, and I think publically broadcasting the situation on the show wasn't greatest idea by the parents I feel they could have made more effort in the first place by going along to a transgender/sexual meeting with Ben and finding out information and facts first before putting his infront of a live audience and infront of millions of people just becuase his father's ignorance and selfishness. I also think calling all of this a 'phase' is actually quite insulting not only to Ben but to LGBT society. Being a parent means being there for your child no matter what, your child needs you to be there 100% especially in a circumstance like this. His parents should be thankful he only wants to change his gender and isn't terminally ill, or a drug addict or alcoholic or something. I just hope Ben's parents take Jeremy's advice and go along to meetings with him and be there unconditionally with an open mind. My heart goes out to Ben, hopefully his friends and partner are there to support him through everything.

Nicola
Dundee

[Nathan1989]

I watched this show and was absoloutely DISCUSTED in the way that Jeremy handled this. He clearly hadn't researched it and has really hit a nerve with me. I am a FTM transexual, currently going through the surgeries to complete the process. I have had chest surgery and just 11 weeks ago had a hystorectomy and the first stage of phalloplasty. The operation took 8 hours and I've had a lot of complications... now you tell me if it is a "PHASE" at this age, would I have put myself through that?!

I am now 20 years old and told my parents how I felt when I was 16. I also went to my Doctor when I was 16 about it and was told to go back at 17. I went to see a psychiatrist when I was 17 etc, unfortunately, somewhere in the system I seemed to have been forgotten and because of this stupid mistake I had to wait a year before any treatment. I was exactly the same age as Ben and completely understands how HE feels. Jeremy did not handle this in the right manner atall. Calling someone he stroke she is NOT acceptable, how would he like it? Don't you think Ben gets enough abuse when he steps out into the world? Jeremy has no idea what it feels like. All he was bothered about was how the parents felt. Do you think that's fare? Who's the one that's going through all of this? Ben, so he should be the one that you're bothered about. I understand that the parents had their right to express their opinions but the fact is that nobody actually listened to Ben, least of all respected him. It's things like that which make people like us want to commit suicide. If the most (supposedly) open minded people and parents can't listen to you, how do you expect anyone else to?

I have so much sympathy and empathy for Ben and know what he's going through. I've also spoken to another FTM friend and he was also discusted with the show. Why won't people just actually listen to our side of the story for once and stop telling us how it's so hard for everyone else to cope with it. Imagine yourself trapped in the wrong body. Mind telling you one thing, your body telling you another. Ontop of that, everyone around you denying what you really are.

I would quite happily tell Jeremy Kyle how things have been for me - my mum also watched the show and is very supportive of me - she even said she was discusted at it. I have an amazing girlfriend also who has supported me from day 1. And another point I want to clear up. FTM's are NOT GAY if they like women!!! My girlfriend is not gay, she would never go out with a female and I'm certainly not gay. How is a man and a woman in a relationship gay? IT'S NOT!!!

This show has really hit a nerve for me and I would love the chance to tell my story, my way. Ben - my best wishes go out to you and I hope you get everything you want and deserve. Idon't know if you can but you could pass on my email address to him. I'd be more than willing to talk to him and be a shoulder ... it's clear that everyone else he has turned to won't be there.

[ftm71]

Jeremy what a disgrace!! HOW dare you tackle such a sensitive and complex genre with no obvious understanding of transsexualism, your show could of possibly damaged the life of many STRUGGLING TRANSSEXUALS whom find it hard to cope with life and society without un-educated fame monger like yourself jumping on the wagon!!!

I suggest you read few books and actually speak to transsexuals before you form and vent your views on public tv.

I am myself a successful female to male transman, living very well within society,I suggest you focus on the positive to trans than the negative!!

[loners]

Hi Nathan and ftm, my daughter has started recently going out with a girl trying to be lad person. My daughter has recently moved back home and bought her friend to live here as well. Have you any sites I can visit so I can understand a little better what is going on? I do keep forgetting and calling him her, which I think must be very upsetting for him, but my problem I think, is that I didn't realize about the him/her thing when I first met him, before he was going out with my daughter, when they were both just mates.
He is now at the stage where the doctor has told him he has to live as a man for a year before he can be considered for counselling etc, which I feel is very rough on him. The main problem at the moment is that he has recently lost his job, possibly through depression, thus the grand move in thing I suspect. Now he has to live as a man, it's going to be hard for him to use his cv since he was always a girl during his previous jobs and education. He doesn't feel able to sign on with the job centre and I wonder if that's because he feels he may be going against his living as a man should he do so. It all seems very complicated. His parents don't know at all, I think he suspects a somewhat adverse reaction from them. Any help will be appreciated. Thank you.

[Nathan1989]

Hi

I completely understand. How old is he? My first piece of advice would be to get him to change his name legally through deed poll. This makes a lot of things much easier to deal with.

I had a job when I was "female". I also then lost my job etc, through depression/anxiety because of what I was going through. I was living in a hostel and claiming benefits so I know what it's like. It's best if he tells his parents. I told mine at 16. It feels better when you do because even if they're not supportive, like my Dad wasn't - you can mov e on and get on with it, with or without support.

There aren't a great deal of websites out there to be honest. I'm helping set one up with a friend of mine who's also going through it and his Mum. It's Going to detail and explain EXACTLY what the procedures are, as the surgeons, doctors and psychiatrists don't tell you how it really is. I don't mind talking to him or your daughter and you if it helps. Just look me up on facebook  Nathan Osborne

[loners]

Hi Nathan, Thanks so much for the reply. I think he is about 21 to 23 ish. He is very very close to his dad, and just can't seem to face telling him. He is also too worried about his mum's reaction to tell her.
Someone told me it's possible to change your name via deed poll on the net, is that actually legal?
Half the problem is that he can't face phoning up and claiming benefits even, so he has no money at all.  I think he will get in trouble because the tax office may want to know what he is living on.  I wonder if that's in case they ask him too much about what sex he is etc. Do they do that? I'm not certain about whether the he/she thing with national insurance would affect it all. So on top of everything he shows every sign of depression, sleep deprivation for 2 or 3 days followed by sleeping for 24 hours with no sign of hearing anything, the first time I saw it I thought he was in a coma.
He spends hours on the internet when he is awake, and joins a lot of role playing sites, which at least seems to be making him alert and happy, so whilst I wonder if being on the net so much is healthy,  it does seem to give him a little life, maybe because he's pretending to be someone else.
I can't look you up on facebook, because I have no idea how it all works. I just don't know what to do for the best for him. I wonder if I should be acting tough with him on the one hand, so he gets a grip, which really goes against my nature,  so I'm worried he would see right through it. On the other hand, if I let him carry on as he is, will he eventually climb out of it? At the moment I'm following my daughter's lead and am just trying to be supportive. I have tried to persuade him to ring up the benefits office however, because I'm certain there will be questions of how he is living, and they'll be trying to stick a tax charge on him. He does agree and says he will, but when it comes down to it, he bottles it, gets into sleep mode or can't move away from the internet mode.
It's like the mind is so willing, but physically he can't seem actually do anything, does that sound familiar to you?  How did you get over the depression/anxiety thing?
Many thanks from Chrissie

[johnfranklyn]

Hi all, I would like to thank you all for your very constructive discussion on this very important topic, it has certainly taught me alot, so thank you for that.

I've found some links that may be of use

http://www.transgenderzone.com/transpanic.htm

http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/your-rights/transgender/transgender-additional-resources/

http://www.careers.salford.ac.uk/diversity/trans.php