Who`s the one to Blame!?!?

[TLC]

I have now read lots of these threads. In many of the cases, a teenager has to take the blame for all of hers/his actions. Not the parents.
Most of them surly know right from wrong. It`s simply bed judgement. And also the need of being seen and accepted in the "real life" today.
It`s part of how they learn, develop and grow up.
 
But in many other cases, (God only knows how many) it`s the environment around them, the hometown area, the school/work situation, and even in many cases the parents/family who are to blame.

First of all I have to tell you a little bit about my story.
I was also "wild one" in my teenager period. I actually started to go "crazy" when I was 12!!!
(Of course there was a reason, but I did not know just what it was at that time)
I went out, did not come home before days after, stop going to school, hated my mum, my dad (they separated when I was 6), and hated everyone around me.
Started drinking, (even though there were never any alcohol in my family)
started smoking, started drugs... My "first time" was when I was 14 years old... Luckily I did not get pregnant...
I was put in a care for "problem teens", but ran away from that.
Ended many times up in the hospital because of suicide attempts and bulimia disease.

In the end, I got my own apartment when I was only 14.
I new I had to move... If not, I think I would have killed my mum at some point... I had so much anger and hate inside me.
It was OK with both my parents....

It turned out perfectly. I only had myself to take care of. I did not hear the screaming from my mum anymore. No more anger etc...
But I also knew that if I did not make any money, I would loose the apartment....
So I was determent at that point to stop the whole crazy things around me. Get a job, and grow up as a "normal" teenager.
I was alone, but that was the only thing I wanted and needed at that time. Slowly, I started to get up on my feet again. And year by year I grew into a "normal" and grownup person. Still young, but with a life lesson harder and stronger then most people at my age.  
And well, even though I do NOT have much school to fall back on, and are mostly self-taught, I have today my own business, are now living in Spain, have a wonderful kid (12 years old) and living the life I always dreamt of when I was younger.... So back to the topic... ;o)  

I always tell myself... Everything happens for a reason. Good or bad.
When I look at the J-show... I usually sit with an angry and bitter feeling towards the parents of the "wild-once".
I wonder.... How did it come to that??? What happened???
How did the teenager end up like a "monster"..
And in many cases even a young mother or father, only 15, 16, 17 years old !!! What is behind all this crazy ness?!?!?

As I said upfront, of course, there were reasons why also I ended up like I did... Totally fucked up in my head....

There ARE always a reason for their behavior. And sadly, in many cases it starts from their own home environment.
You don`t even need to go further then by listening to their "loud talking"...on the show... And by that I mean SCREAMING.
How normal and grownup it that?!?!
Pointing their fingers at each other, and parents screaming back to their teens!!! Is that a very "grownup" thing to do???
I am asking myself... Do they never talk normal and calm to each other? Don`t they know that if a child (because this has not just begun) is constantly being screamed at, will develop the same anger (don`t remember the English word for it) as their parents, and "copy" the same disrespect as the parents give them by showing this behavior.
-The parents are complaining about alcohol... Excuse me... I ask you... Do you drink in front of your kids/teens???!!!
Do you sit hours in bars shouting (or in your own home) and waywing your glass???
You are angry at your teenagers boy/girlfriend...I ask you, -Do you have a nice relationship with you husband/wife/lover.
Do you ever scream at each other??? Is he/she a good role model for your kids/teens???!!!
You are complaining about smoking....! Do you smoke? And do you do it in front of your kids/teens???
You are angry because they quit their school and do not wanna work....
I ask you...Do you have a job? Or do you, as many English people do, depend on the government to give you money....!!!
And do you live in an area that are surrounded by others with similar problems???
Ask yourself all these questions. If you are unsure about only one single of these, then you already are a part of the development of your teenage behaviour problems.
So Honestly... Who are you to blame your kids/teens for their bad behavior !!!!

It`s now time to wake up...!! Do not blame your teens for "your" mistakes... He/she is just a copy of your behaviour toward him/her...
No, it`s not always the parents fault. And as I said above... Most teens know right from wrong.
But my God... there are so many cases (of the once shown at the J-show) of child hood neglect, and the reason for the kids/teens badly behaviour.
No wonder why I say!!!
So please... Start talking (NOT screaming) WITH your teen/kid,
not TO your teen. Open your ears and LISTEN to them.
Open your eyes and look up to them...NOT down at them,...
-Hug them and tell them you really really love them unconditionally. No matter what..... Show them you truly care for them.
You know...it`s a young person there, right in front of you...
eager to learn more about life, eager to be seen, eager to be held,
to be cared for and most of all, TO BE LOVED.
Please open your eyes mothers and fathers... The time is so short.
I know, I `ve been there. Nearly dying of alcohol and drugs only 15 years old. Trying to end my life two times. Could not take any more...
 
Yes..., I did promised myself to NEVER let my kids experience the same childhood I had when I was young... And that is a promise I have kept.
I don`t drink at all, I stopped smoking, I live in a nice area, I try to NEVER scream at my kid, always tell him I love him, always give him encouragement, hug him, kiss him (on the chin hehe)
and NEVER talk condescending to him.
He is the most beautiful boy, and I am sooooo proud of him.
He gives me a total meaning to my life.
And by end of August, also he will be a teenager, but you know what... It does not frighten me at all.
And honestly, I look forward to that "crazy" period.
Because I know I will experience it together with him.
-Not on the sideline of him.

This was my little reflection to you guys...

[loners]

That is incredible TLC, I don't think it's legal in this country for a 14 year old to be left alone all night, they certainly wouldn't be allowed an appartment to live in on their own, but I have often thought for a long time, that it would be better for them to have their own place which they have to look after then to shove them all into care if they have problems, where they feel more trapped and unhappy then ever, it's supposed to be so expensive to put them into care costing thousands in carers on top of everything else, it could be cheaper and more effective to let them live their own life and give them their own responsibilities for a while, you are living proof of that.

[Violet_Ivy]

Wow, TLC! Have your wrists recovered from that yet?

A very detailed, reflective piece of writing...however, at one point, I was sure you were going to tell me you were a psychologist. You covered so many angles to parenthood and deliquency, I was surprised you didn't throw in a bit of Freud or Bandura! 

I can empathize with a great deal of what you said- especially when you talked about your past experiences and current achievements. Well Done to you & good luck with the future- you've worked hard & you truely deserve success. 

And I completely agree you with, but at some point, we all have to take responsability for ourselves...and if teenagers want to be treated as young adults, they should take the responsability of being one.

It's the environment, in addition to the person & other influences, that decide what choices they will make in life. Not everyone learns in the same way and that can be down to a number of factors. The 14, 15 & 16 year old having babies may be surrounded by other teens that have babies; they may be yearning for a love that they never recieved in their own family or it could be a simple case of failed (or neglected) contraception.
You were lucky-you may have had to learn life the hard way, but you got through your dark days and gained the knowledge of experience. You sat back, looked at how things could be changed and did it.
There are people out there, like me and you, that have the ability to do that. Most often, it's because we've had to fight for ourselves and LOOK for opportunities, rather than them be offered to us.

It's people like us that can go on to offer others the opportunity to fight for themselves.

People often get stuck in a rut; they don't know how to break the chains of their environment and the negative influences that surround them. However, we all make choices in life and we can choose the paths we walk.

With regard to teenagers- I agree with you about the parental influence. I have often seen parents complaining about their kids and they are hardly 'straight-edged' and Supernanny! Though yet again, there has been the odd one where I have looked at the kid & thought 'Spoilt brat taking the p!ss out of mummy & daddy!' and these are the ones who I agree with JK on- they need to take responsability for themselves and start acting like an adult.

Teenagers are vexing little creatures; they believe that they are grown up, yet can't handle the responsabilities of a grown up. Biologically, they are a time-bomb. Socially, they want to conform, yet want to be different....and sexually, most suffer with unrealistic optimism (with regards to not thinking they will get pregnant or contract a disease!).

Although...as you so rightly pointed out- monkey see, monkey do. If mum is sitting around smoking weed, while dad is no where to be found- is it any suprise that Little Miss will see life through green tinted spectacles, while pushing a pram, at age 15?

Yet you could get a Little Miss, from exactly the same background who CHOOSES not to follow in her legacy.

Environment plays a huge part in who we are, but then so does a lot of other things; our parents may be cocks, but perhaps there's someone who is a bigger, positive influence, who helps us untie from our family binds. Perhaps we eventually learn from the knocks in life and the support we recieve from other people. 

Life is tricky...and even more so when you're a teenager. However, the fundamentals are always the same- if we're old enough to make decissions ("Just one toke- It'll be cool" or "Yes- I'm gonna do with him", etc), then we are old enough to take responsability for the consequences of that action.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that doesn't really uphold that kind of moral belief! I think society has become more avoidant and blameful, as time has gone on. Parents are quick to relinquish responsability for themselves and in turn, make children that are carbon copies. However, they can break the mold if they want to, and despite a teens age, they can choose another way that isn't their parents path. While the influences may be there for the recipe for disaster, a teenager has every right to take control of their own life and want something better- despite their influences or class. Teenagers are often ready to take on responsability, yet they are adults-in-training, so need boundries too. No one gets through life without some kind of boundries and they need to be instilled at an early age.

There is also the issue of cause and effect: every action causes a reaction- if he/she mess' up a room, they tidy it! If they study, they get better grades- and if they are going to have sex, it's very likely they will also have a baby or a clinic appointment...or infertility (if they don't make the clinic appointment!)...and if they are really unlucky, a positive HIV test!

So to conclude- TLC- very enjoyable post! But to tie it all together, parents may play a big part in who we are and what choices we make, but ultimately, we choose...and often we start making those choices in our teenage years. Everyone has the power to create their own destiny (if you believe in free will, that is!) and sometimes, we need a kick up the arse to realise that. With regards to teenagers, JK is pretty right- they DO have to take responsability for themselves as they are the only ones that will have to live their lives.
They don't have to follow the path of their parents, as we are all individuals and need to walk our own.
 

[TLC]

Hi Violet Talk about writing  An exellent threads from you  Well said and well written.
 
Hehe.. No, I am definitely no psychologist... Nor am I Mr Freud of Bandura 


But I am a 33 year old "girl".... (I never see myself as a woman... Eh, don`t know why.... )
... who has lived a crazy life, met many people, experiensed both the good and hard ways,
been "dead" been alive, been hurt been beaten, but also been loved...
So my knownledge goes all the way back to my very young and very own childhood...

I will answer your thread, but now I have my summer holiday with my "soon to be a teenager" son,
so I think I need to wait untill the dark hours.... when he has gone to sleep.  

Right now I will throw my self in our pool, and just "lick" the sun
Enjoy it you as well..