Help About The House

Quote from: Magic_2705 on December 18, 2009, 07:42:50 PM

Have moved in with my partner 2 months ago, we've both brought kids from prior relationships, in total we have 5 kids between us. To top it off my partners vasectomy has failed and I am now pregnant with a 6th child which is part of the reason we've decided to move in together.

We love each other dearly and the kids are basically good kids, aged 6, 7, 11, and twins at 16. However, it is driving me nuts that the teenagers especially cannot see the things that get done for them in the house and offer to share in the household chores.

I am 34 weeks pregnant and today my partner went into hospital for another vasectomy. We're both pretty weary at the moment and not as agile or mobile as we usually are but the kdis don't seem to notice. Everything still gets done for them and around about them. When we complain the eyes roll and the muttered comments under the breath. I worry they are missing out on skills they'll need if / when they venture out in life alone. I myself was running a home from an early age due to an alcoholic parent and perhaps exect too much from our kids now.

Perhaps it is our fault for providing and doing too much for the kids. My two are the 2 youngest one of which is really keen to help and often asks. I use these opportunities to try and educate him about household chores and how to do them whilst the enthusiasm is there.

At the moment I can't do the things I used to be able to and worry that when the new baby (girl we've decided to call Mirren) arrives life will get harder for me and my partner. I don't think it's fair for the kids (especially the older 2) not to help out and expect me and my other half to sort everything for the other 6 people that live in the house.

I did try to introduce a chores rota but it got ignored despite me stamping my feet. Now I dish out chores depending on what there is to do and how I'm feeling but this rarely is more than the occassional dish washing or load of clothes washing.

Pregnancy hormones or fair enough complaint? Any other sympathisers or should I just shut up and get on with it??

Thanks for the window to get this off my chest at the very least!

Totally fair enough complaint!! And no- personally, I don't think you should 'Shut up' and get on with it- you've got every right to sound off...but yes- you have done too much for the kids and now it's time to stop.

The two 16year old are legally old enough to live on their own- so why shouldn't they take on some responsability around the house? Every child needs to be aware of the fact that they are in part, responsable for their own environment...and that means making sure that their environment is clean & tidy. Unfortunately, it's a 'lesson' that is instilled from an early age and it's sounds as if the two 16 year olds have had an upbringing that didn't necessarily include that lesson.
You don't mention your step-kids birth mother? Is she around & do you have a relationship with her? If so, is there any chance that you, her & their father can get together and decide a plan of action together? 3 heads nagging may be better two! However, I wouldn't suggest the tactic of nagging at all, to be honest! With teenagers (and any child, for that matter!) nagging is just a bunch of words said in a way designed to irritate and they won't take any notice.
At that age, rota's (or rosta's, as some people call them) are not much use either! Older children don't like being TOLD what to do, so let them decide for themselves.

Here's my suggestion- please consider it- it's been proved to work Wink

Firstly, you and your partner have a 'talk' on your own and write up a list of the chores and responsabilities that you want the children to take on. Make them realistic and stick an estimated time on them- for example: washing up= 20 minutes. Drying up & putting away=20 minutes. Get school bags ready=1/2 hour, etc. The reason for the times is so that the kids can see how much precious time, the chores, etc will take out of their day.
Write them up on A3 paper or a messageboard, so that you can stick it somewhere visable.
Then call a family meeting and 'introduce' your list of things.
Sounds pretty much like a rota, at this point- but carry on, it changes from here on.

Get the kids together and tell them the jobs that you & your partner are willing to do: the shopping,managing finances, cooking, jobs they can't physically do....then give them the responsablitity of the rest of the jobs as WHOLE. No one gets certain jobs at certain times- they have to decide between themselves, who does what.

Put the list up in a place that everyone can see & reach, then hand the responsability over to them.

If the jobs don't get done- they get punished as a group. Take away ALL games consoles, ban ALL trips out with friends, cut off the electric to their bedrooms...
The idea is that if they get punished as a unit, they then start to work as one. The punishments are more likely to effect the older children more so than the younger ones, so they are more likely to take a little more personal responsability for things that aren't done by the little ones, in order to lessen their own punishment.

However, in truth, it doesn't matter how you get them to do more around the house; if you're not consistant, nothing will change. Furthermore, they need to know the consequences of what happens if the chores DON'T get done.
If they don't do the washing up, then it doesn't get done. Wash up a plate, cup, etc for you & your partner, but serve their dinner up on paper plates. Sounds extreme, but I guarentee after a week of a dirty house & not being waited on, hand-and-foot, you'll find your washing up done!

If you think it's unfair on the little ones, then seperate the chores you think should be done by the older ones & the younger ones, and use the same tactics, but for two seperate groups (the 16y/o's & the 11y/o in one group & the two younger in another). It means that the each group will have to work together to avoid a 'unit' punishment.
Furthermore, by seperating them in to two groups you can encourage some healthy competition; for example- the prize for one week's completed chore list could be 2 hours extra social time/T.V time, etc. Make a (slightly) big deal about it, by calling everyone together and announcing the winning group.
To succeed, you need to get them working together- whether thats at a competetive level or a compassionate one.

Good luck with your new baby girl & loads luck with the rest of your brood Wink