Can someone please help me?

[Tidgeypudd]

my son is 11 and his behaviour is really realy bad. He started theiving off me about two years ago first of all it was just little bits of change and i thought it was just a phaze he was going through and he would get out of it. Then 8 months ago it started to escalate he was stealing money from my purse, so i did what every mother dreads i phoned the police to give him a sharp shock into reality, but to no avail as he has now started setting fire to stuff in the bathroom (putting myself and his little brother in danger). I do love him very much and don't want to put him care is there any other way i can recieve help as i already have a constant struggle with depression and his behaviour is getting me down.

[Admin]

My son was doing the same thing around aged 10.   (   pm`d you.    ) that part of his behaviour settled down , but i do understand how this can get you down, constantly policing him day and night in fear if what he might be doing if not watched.

[johnfranklyn]

Is something happening outside the house, for example school. I wonder if school could assist, they have noticed something. If the school is any use they could get you help through support functions such as young carers, connexions etc.

[Tidgeypudd]

I thought of getting help through the school 3 years ago they said there was nothing they can do as he is not like he is at home and causing any trouble at school. We moved a year ago and since then he has been on report for not doing homework. I have asked the school what to do with him but they just say it's a phase he is going through but that seems to be the excuse i get all the time.

[johnfranklyn]

The school can complete a common assessment form that highlights 5 areas. If he is not happy, going to acheive, being productive, they can help. The earlier they assist the better, a phase can become habit forming and lead to greater roblems in the future. The education welfare officer can also play apart, but their brief at the moment is to concentrate more on attendance than anything else.

[Tidgeypudd]

well i have had the worst day of my life. I have had the police at my door talking to my son about his behaviour and what will happen if he carry's on. I have spoke to school who are going to get in touch with a company cencore or how ever you spell it lol and to top it all off i have his dad who decides to tell me that no matter what our son does he is not going to show me any support in any way as the lad is just being a typical lad ( i now remember why we arent together any more) anyway just wanted to say thank you for all your help i will keep you informed when i know something new again thank you

[johnfranklyn]

Ask school for a TAC meeting. This is Team around Children and will involve the police, the school, social worker (if you have one) and is a multi-agency approach to getting him some constructive help without criminalising him. Also speak about it to your GP and see if he has a condition like ADD etc.

[Han]

Hi did you keep a diary of events over the years like dates times what was going on around it all. Did it start when you seperated from his dad? I feel for you my step son has been a trouble young boy for years and it doesnt get easier when they dont get help. Im glad to read you want the best for your boy wish toms mum felt the same. John has given you the best advise possible the one thing you dont want is for them to criminalise him but build a structure of help and support around him and his needs.

[Tidgeypudd]

well today he has criminalised himself as he has decided that he wasnt going to go to school but to get his mate and his younger brother to skive off for the morning until found now the police and whole of school were involved. I have been in touch with a solicitor this morning also my doctors. i have had a word with the head of the school who doesnt seem to think that he has any medical problem apart from his behaviour and attutude which she just put down to him maturing( HAHA) not very mature in my eyes sorry but if i dont try and laugh i will just cry all day as i can see my little boy's been taken away from me. I have spoke to his dad about his antics today which he just blamed me for it all as i should be the one that walks him to and from school but when i do all i get is abuse from my son as he is a big boy and we only live round the corner from school.

[Han]

Sounds to me like your having a really tough time. Before I left the uk the local council offered a taxi service for truants to ensure they got to school maybe yours has something similar. Also have you thought about giving him an insentive to stay in school and be good. Maybe you would know someone that may employ him on a saturday on the condition he stay in school and behave. Give him the feeling of wow I can earn my own money achieve something. I know John raised the issue of adhd but have you thought about dislexiar (sorry I cant spell it). When I worked with teenagers we had a young man similar in a lot of ways to your boy and he would skip school and become abusive just at the thought of being there and it was because he couldnt read properly but thought if he asked for help he would be ridiculed. I hope you get it sorted out

[Admin]

We have had troubles with our boy at times, on one occassion a parent came knocking saying he had threatened a boy with a knife, you can imagine my jaw dropped and i knew he had done a bit of swopping and had recentley aquired a small pocket knife. My first thoughts were look for the knife which i found to be missing so as any one would, thought it was true. We later found it in the house whilst he was still out so hadn`t even been taken out.

After further discussions with the boys parents and the boy ,the boy broke down and admitted it wasn`t a knife just something picket up from of the floor and wasn`t even dangerous. It just shows how circumstances can get them into troubles that could have esculated and easily been a police matter for no reason what so ever.

[robina]

if as you say your son is setting fire to things in the bathroom putting yourself and other son in danger.NOW is the time to do something about it. not after your house burns down and you or you and your other child die in the fire.

[johnfranklyn]

Its difficult when it comes to children. All to often many are written off a being bad, but in many cases they actually need constructive help and very often of a specialist nature that a parent cannot provide.

There have been a number of instances where children with aspergers, add etc have received a criminal record, but would've benefitted from effective support.

[Han]

Robina she is trying to do something about it and i think you are doing all you can by yourself. I take my hat off to you for having the strength to cope as far to many parents say enough enough and pack their kids things and send to the system. Be strong and the right path will carry you through. Dont take critisisum as your not the problem here I hope your son and you get the help you both need.

[Tidgeypudd]

well thank you to all of you that have replied with very usefull information. just to update you all I am recieving help for myself with the stress/anxiety and also be able to cope with the things that my son is doing moe effectively(without pulling my hair out or bursting his ear drums). More importantly he is getting the help that he needs as well he has been more open and honest through the past few days explaining why he was doing the things that he was doing and not thinking about the consiqueces of such actions. i will keep you posted on how everything is going and again thank you to everyone for your help you really have help honest.
Kindest Regards to you all  

[Han]

Im so glad that you came back to us on this. Im glad you are both getting the help you need well done you should be very proud of yourself for never giving up.

[Tidgeypudd]

Hiya Han thanks for that i figured if i gave up on him then who would he have and what kind of mum would that make me sorry if this upsets anyone readiong this but this is my opinion my little boy would have no one and get used to rejection and people not giving a damn and i dont want him to feel any of that. it's my job as a mum to never turn my back on him it's a promise i made to him when he was first placed in my arms no matter how hard things might get or how difficult he can be lol.

[Admin]

id agree tidgeypud no one should ever give up on there kids no matter what they`ve done or how hard things get. My wifes mum gave up on her at the rebelious age of 14-15, now she doesn`t even try to contact her as the women just isn`t worth it. I`d hate for other familys to turn out the same way..

[Han]

I also agree when you have a child it is an invisable bond that can never be broken you should always stand by them no matter what and I think your wonderful for doing so.

[johnfranklyn]

Well said Tidgeypud, i agree.

We recently told our son to leave after he got in with the wrong lot, it was a risky bluff on our part, but it paid off.

I know people have given up on their children for a variety of reasons, it must be very hard to do.

[Jamie-lee day]

im real worried about a close friend of mine as shes only 17yo & shes drinking very heavly,..im concerned as shes hanging about with all diff males,..is it possible u can help?...

[Han]

Have you asked if there is something wrong and I mean actually sat down and tied to figure it out with her tell her you are worried as a friend and want to help.

[MichaelBrindley]

To me these are signs of jelousey and attention. He will know that this age he is in the wrong. With the police coming, he knows he is gettting this attention. Gives him something to brag about to his mates. I know a way to wake him up and bring him into the real world, and i think he may be wanting to come home to mommy after about 2 days. There are these weeks you can do with the army, army look at life courses. Also more bad boy style that will put him through his passes with responsabillaties and disapline, think about looking into them sort of ideas?

MichaelBrindley